Free Read Friday! 🎁 📕 🎉 An Alexio Sampler

I used to be just like you—chained to a cubicle, living off deep-fried pigs' feet because I didn't know any better, and trying to fill the void by racking up credit card debt buying antique collectible rototillers I didn't really need. I was fat, I was broke, and I hadn't practiced my bassoon in months.

Then EVERYTHING CHANGED.

And I want to tell you how!

During this challenge, you'll get a new, in-depth post, every hour, that spills one of my Alexio-guaranteed 102 PATENTED SUCCESS SECRETS™.

Did I mention they'll be FREE?

Yes, free! I've been truly blessed with crazy abundance, and all I ask is that you pay it forward and share these secrets with everyone you love, or work with, or chat with at a movie premiere, or invite on your yacht—everyone!

And make sure we connect on Facebook, Twitter, Tribesy, and all those other cool icons at the top of the page! Sign up for my emails! I want to meet you! That personal connection is vital.

Especially because, to be totally honest, the Google and Facebook people have made some kind of change to their algorithms, and I am just not getting the free traffic I used to. Not good.

The other day, I woke up and checked my phone, and it was like WORST CASE SCENARIO, my posts were getting less likes than a new release from some indie bassoon soloist! (Trust me.) I went and stress-ran for like ten miles before I realized the beach was totally burning my feet off, and I hadn't even grabbed my shades. :(

But it's all good. So what if I used to get a bajillion likes on an inspirational selfie with a motivational quote and my adorable pet dolphin? Last week is last week. And I Live In the Now (SUCCESS SECRET™ #17).

Plus… I have a plan.

"But Alexio!" you might say. "If the Internet hordes like me aren't clicking your posts anymore, isn't your income cratering? No ad revenue? No affiliate sales? How are you going to give me all your fantastic SUCCESS SECRETS™ for FREE when you've had to start shoveling money at the social media giants to buy traffic? People used to find you for free, but I only found you myself by clicking on some Facebook ad you had to buy. Frankly, I'm worried, bro! Is this sustainable?"

To which I say, WOW.

You are awesome. Thank you. Your support means so much.

And the spectacular news is, it's all good! I totally have that plan.

As soon as the challenge ends, I'll package all these posts into a bestselling book. I've already had a sweet cover made, and it's all set up for preorder and everything. So, in a sense, you'll not only be transforming your life and manifesting your wildest dreams, you'll also be reading the next self-help blockbuster while it's being written. How cool is that?

So with a blowout book launch and an avalanche of sales, I should totally be fine, financially. The Gazillionaire Lifestyle isn't free, haha, and even the minimum payments can be eye-watering (wince!), but no worries! That's why you should Actually Have An Emergency Fund (SUCCESS SECRET™ #96), which I am absolutely going to do this time.

And speaking of time, let's kick off your 24 hours!!

Well, actually, I don't mean 24 hours straight. You'd have to stay up all night. That sounds miserable!

Yeah, no. We're only going to do eight hours every day.

Yes! I've found that three days are much more doable. Plus, you can take bathroom breaks.

I know, right? But trust me, slow and steady is the shortest path to lasting results.

Besides, breaking it up into three days lets us give each day a separate focus. So many self-help books out there take an entire book to solve one problem, like starting your first blog or having your first kid or whatever.

But not only does that waste paper, it's not holistic. Instead, we're going to focus on the three traditional pillars of an abundant life: Body, Money, and Spirit.

Also known as: HEALTH, WEALTH, and WISDOM. (I love that.)

• On Day 1, you'll unlock the secrets of how to get SKINNY! I know "Rich" comes first in the blog title, but what's the point of having millions if you don't have to buy a svelte new wardrobe? Right? First things first! Plus, you'll need to be ready to take killer selfies for…
• Day 2, when you'll get RICH! Okay, full disclosure, you might not make your first million that day—but what you will get is priceless: my surefire blueprint to Internet gazillions, in bite-size bloggy bits. Or maybe salty blog chunks? Why does this sound gross?
• Anyway, once you've got a fantastic bod and a bank account the size of Rhode Island, is that really enough for True Happiness? No way! On Day 3, you'll get SUPER SPIRITUAL! And the best part is, we'll Make It Super Easy (SUCCESS SECRET™ #2). Why should you have to work to find your bliss?

No worries! If you read this all through, and do all the exercises, and you don't get the results you want instantly, it might just mean you're not a "book learner".

Not a problem! If you really want to supercharge your transformation, I've got a very special surprise waiting for you at the end.

Oh, you'll see…

But first, I've got to write all this! Haha, no seriously, I'd better get cracking. Truth be told, it's been awhile since I did anything long form. These days I'm more of a tweet / hashtag kind of guy. Short and sweet. Likes. Impact. I wish I could just make my tweets into a book.

Just kidding! I can do this! I'm a content machine, strategically seated in solitude out on my glorious yacht, soaking in the sun and watching my dolphin play. What could go wrong?

I'll answer that: nothing. There really is a special peace and quiet that comes with having your own private bay. I truly recommend this for all writers. Whatever your genre.

Oh, you will be. Just wait for Day Two…

Anyway, see you tomorrow! With DAY ONE! Eight straight posts of fat-burning fantasy!

Wow… I'm going to write eight posts… in one day…

You know, I might occasionally need a little help. I'm not saying it will happen, but if it does, I'll totally Share the Love (SUCCESS SECRET™ #48) and get one of my amazing power blogger buddies to guest post for one of the hours. Two at the most.

If (if!) I do need a guest post, I promise I'll at least Pump Up the Title (SUCCESS SECRET™ #8) to better showcase their genius content.

(Newbie writers are super cute, but they can't title clickbait to save their lives. They're like, "My Article About Losing Weight" or "7 Things To Read About" or "Click This Or My Mom Dies"… actually, that one could work…)

Anyway, that's all a total backup plan. This challenge is about me, YOU, and how my 102 PATENTED SUCCESS SECRETS™ can make you EVERYTHING you could ever dream! For FREE! Just keep reading!

And stay awesome!!!

Alexio Fairfax

On board the Abundance

TreyTheTroll: no way you have a pet dolphin. that is so illegal.

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! Thanks for the feedback! :) No worries, my lawyers are crazy expensive, haha. It's all good. ;) And Synergy has the BEST LIFE EVER, that is a HUGE priority for me. In fact, she has her own private bay!!

TreyTheTroll: you named your dolphin "synergy"?

Alexio: Anyway thanks for joining our new community! What's your passion? Are you hoping to get rich? Skinny? Super spiritual? Or ALL THREE???

TreyTheTroll: um. i'm a troll

Alexio: Not literally! :)

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

That's why I'm starting this blog! I mean, I'm writing this guest post for Alexio and then I'm going to start a blog.

If diets and exercise worked, we'd be a nation of marathon-running, shake-slurping salad addicts. Which we clearly are not.

The world needs a weight loss plan that takes no effort at all! And that's what I'm going to figure out!

Here's my first crazy weight loss trick that you won't hear anywhere else.

WOW! Did I just type that? I can't believe this is going to be a real post on Alexio's blog!! I can hardly sit still to type!!! I keep imagining my mom and my aunts and even my jerk cousin reading this blog and losing all this weight and us hugging and crying…

And the sun is gorgeous this morning! And my hair is super super poofy, like the Poof-O-Meter's ratcheted up from "Red-Headed Dolly Parton" to "Strawberry Mushroom Cloud"! It's taller than I am! WOW! If I were any more excited, I'd explode! WOW WOW WOW!

Wait, is that seriously what time it is? I have to email this to Alexio in like ten minutes. Shoot.

So this first trick actually comes in two parts. This is the first part, which I'll put first, and it's really important, especially if you're into steel-toed high heels. Or, as we call them in the weight-loss biz, "steelettos". I hate those things.

Yes, technically, people take their shoes off before they hit the scale. But all the rest of the time, you feel heavy, don't you?

Especially with steelettos.

Especially when your so-called "boyfriend" drops steel-toed hints that you would look "fabulous" in them, but only if they're a size too small (seriously), and then you buy them, and then he asks to "borrow" them for a "friend" who "needs" them for a "wedding", and then he butt dials you while he's out at "guys night" and you hear he's watching While You Were Sleeping and pretending to laugh at all the "jokes" with some chick who keeps pausing the movie to say, "They're perfect, Darryl! Let me just see them in the mirror one more time!"

And I used to love that freaking movie. I think that's the hardest part.

Oh gosh, this is due, like, now. Blogging is kind of tougher than I thought.

Shoot, I hope Alexio needs another guest post! I've got 7 more crazy tricks to do! 7 and a half, really, because I didn't even finish the first one!

Please, Alexio?

Oh man, and I have to do a bio too!

Sparkle Vane is a professional Weight Loss Consultant for RadiantShakes and she loves candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and reading poetry out loud except it has to make sense. All the dating sites she registers at already have way too many Sparkle Vanes, darnit, but she's the only one whose profile pic has amazing red curly hair, nail polish like fresh limes, and animated sequins.

TreyTheTroll: hey @alexio_fairfax, did you seriously tweet #weightlossthursday? the hashtag is #weightlosswednesday, you idiot

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! That does have more of a ring to it, doesn't it? We'll have to have Sparkle back next Wednesday. :)

Sparkle Vane: Really??? Thank you thank you thank you! I've already thought of two more weight loss tricks!

Alexio: you have? send them ASAP, honestly. that would be great.

Sparkle Vane: Will do!!!!!!

Alexio: fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

Kengsley Beaumarchais: I must say, I preferred my title: "Citrus Malfeasance".

Alexio: Hey KB! You’re awesome! I totally like your title too, I just thought people might click and then expect oranges or something. Although oranges are good for weight loss. Also the small hamburgers totally worked.

Kengsley Beaumarchais: [comment deleted by moderator]

When I meet Zazzilaq founder Hans Hanson in his penthouse office, he's reclining in a bearskin executive chair beside an oaken, twenty-foot workstation that ends in a tiki bar. I sense right away that this titan among men has much to teach me in my own entrepreneurial journey. Gladly he takes his ease, like Odysseus at rest on the island of Calypso.

(Not that I could ever condone Odysseus' betrayal—I would never dally with a softly-braided nymph and forget my wise Penelope.)

"Your wise who?" Hanson queries. "Dude, you've got to take notes without muttering."

Hanson swivels away from the eight widescreen monitors and expertly opens a white chocolate bar with one hand. He jiggles the wrist of his other hand, jostling down his suede sweatshirt sleeve to reveal … The Watch.

To the untrained eye, the Zazzilaq D-Time 3007 might look like a low-end sports watch with a logo resembling a thick "D", superimposed on a teapot.

But although solar power has long been used for calculators, bizarre cars, and, in fact, watches, the Zazzilaq D-Time 3007 packs a feature that changes everything.

"All those other startup wannabes are trying to make the battery last as long as possible," Hanson chides. "Two weeks without a recharge. A month. What are we, vampire bats?"

He pauses to slurp his wine-dark diet cherry soda through a straw from a 3-liter bottle. The saccharine tang permeates the air with entrepreneurial energy.

"We need sunlight, yo," he continues. "We need D-time. Vitamin D."

In a brilliant, habit-forming twist, the Zazzilaq D-time 3007 needs to be charged in the sun every day. When the charge gets low, it's "D time" (tea time)—the device will shriek like a boiling kettle.

By forcing you to take the watch out into the sunlight, the D-Time 3007 sneakily gets your body the exposure it needs to get Vitamin D. And as scientists will tell you, if the human body doesn't get enough Vitamin D, bad things happen.

To confirm this scientific fact, I consult Dr. Channa Sahir, an eminent and lovely-haired scientist at Harvard.

"Dude?" Hanson interjects. "You're calling someone? During an interview?"

"Vitamin D is important," confirms Dr. Channa Sahir, in a slight Indian accent that many would find deeply attractive. "But don't they also put Vitamin D in milk? I am always happy to help a former student, Terrence, but I am a social scientist. Not a biologist."

"A social scientist studies behavior," continues Dr. Channa Sahir, and I can imagine the toss of her lustrous ebony bangs. "For instance, my current study measures which will improve productivity more: checking social media every forty-seven seconds, or being locked in a closet for seven hours with only a legal pad and a pencil."

"Dude!" Hanson expostulates, cruelly interrupting my fleeting reunion with my beloved teacher. "My time is worth like six hundred dollars a minute! You can call your girlfriend whenever."

I hang up and let Dr. Channa Sahir return to her important work, praying she didn't hear the entrepreneurial commentary. Bereft of her nurturing presence, everything in the office somehow seems smaller, even Hanson's gigantic globe on its mahogany base.

One can't help but wonder—will this new watch really help busy techs get the sunlight they need from the rosy-fingered Dawn?

"Absolutely," Hanson affirms. "The sunlight part, not whatever you said about fingers. Check out this tan!" He yanks the sweatshirt sleeve even further down his not-quite-pale arm, revealing a sharp tan line about 3 inches below the watchband.

He nods at a nearby deeply-welled window. "I scoot over there with my laptop to solar charge this baby every day. That's the power of D-Time. Got myself a sweet charging tan."

Charging tans, it appears, are sweeping the tech community. "You can tell a D-charger when you shake hands," Hanson gloats. "Your sleeves go up, and you both kind of look, and it's like, oh yeah. No rickets here."

Others appreciate the concept, but question the execution.

As one of my housemates told me yesterday, "I bought that Zazzilaq watch, and my girlfriend's like, it cost how much? Couldn't you just get a 99-cent app?"

"Tell your housemate to get a real girlfriend," Hanson snaps. "And since you can't stop muttering to yourself, go interview a wall! Get lost!"

But I already know my next tech topic. And I'll need the help of a laughter-loving scientist.

"Techie" Terrence covers gadgets, gizmos, and his ears if you mention he majored in English.

TreyTheTroll: @alexio_fairfax please don't tell me you're going to start featuring this twerp. "laughter-loving"??

"Techie" Terrence: N.B. "laughter-loving" is an epithet that Homer gave to Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and perhaps to all great women throughout history with bold, joyous laughs that will echo forever in the hearts of their students.

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

Ordered this solar-powered watch because that interview by "Techie" Terrence sounded like it would help me get out in the sun more because you have to solar charge the thing every single day. Did not know that if the solar charge is too low, it shrieks like a tea kettle. Have hung watch outside office window so will always be in sun. Would give 1 star, but extra 2 stars because watch now reflects sun glare into co-worker's eyes. Hilarious. :P

5 STARS!!! I AM ALWAYS LOSING MY WATCHES, AND THIS ONE SCREAMS EVERY DAY SO I ALWAYS FIND IT!! GETTING A SECOND ONE FOR A DOG COLLAR!

The watch works as described, BUT it is not available in alternating stripes of magenta and pea green. Seriously?!? Magenta and pea green is my jam.

Amazing!!! I just opened the package, but it is DEFINITELY a watch!!! Will it work out over the long haul? Only "time will tell". ;) ;) ;) I will update this review in six months if I remember!!!

UPDATE AFTER 15 MINUTES: It's working great!

UPDATE AFTER 2 HOURS: Time is telling!

UPDATE AFTER 6 MONTHS: (It's only been 3 hours actually, but I wrote that here to trigger my memory for later! Will replace this with my review in six months!!!)

A most excellent watch. As I state in my Amazon bestseller memoir, Watercooler Men: Glory Stories of an IRS Data Transcriber, "If we forgot our watch in the morning, we might be late to the office, and that would really rattle Old 'Whiteout' Wilson's chain."

This is a watch that would have told us "Watercooler Men" what time it was.

—Huxford Q. Hollister

Author, Watercooler Men: Glory Stories of an IRS Data Transcriber

(#1 Amazon Bestseller in Biographies & Memoirs > Memoirs > U. S. Government> IRS > Data Transcribers > Watercoolers > Authors With a "Q")

I am a bit "pasty", so I was excited for this watch to help me get a natural tan, which is a big "plus" with the ladies.

What I did not realize was that when I stand on my front porch, I can smell my neighbor's sauerkraut.

I live in a townhouse, so my "neighbor" is extremely close, right next door, and she leaves all her windows "open" and bakes sauerkraut in a "crock pot" all day, every day. No offense to anyone of "German" heritage, but I can't stand there for more than eighty-six seconds without my stomach "clenching" and my eyes watering from the stench of composting cabbage.

So there I am "standing" there with two watches, my old one and this new one, like some crazy person, and just then Sherrie drives up with my mail, and I've been trying to ask Sherrie out since tenth grade, and she's like, "Why do you have two watches? Charlie? Are you okay? You look like you're crying!" and I'm like, gagging, trying to talk, and she's like, "Are you holding two watches and weeping over the intrinsic duality of Time? The unbearable burden of the Past and Future forever impinging on the fragile yet mysteriously eternal Now? Oh my gosh, that is so sweet!" and I finally stop coughing long enough to say, "No, it's just this freaking sauerkraut," and she's like, "Oh. I happen to love sauerkraut, Charlie," and she drives away.

So I hate this "watch".

But 2 stars because the "shipping" was quite fast.

TreyTheTroll: @alexio_fairfax you seriously copy-pasted in reviews as a "guest post"?? how is this a self-help challenge???

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! I appreciate your feedback, but sometimes, figuring out the challenge is the challenge! It's a win-win!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

TreyTheTroll: r u 4 real? u posted some OTHER dudes automated email as a GUEST POST?!?

TreyTheTroll: hey @alexio_fairfax, you there?

TreyTheTroll: weird, he hasn't tweeted since yesterday either. whoa… wonder what happened with that giant incinerator? hehehehehe

YOUR FREE READ JUST ENDED.

Alexio: Hey! Just want to add my own shout-out to Phileas here, Influencer Extraordinaire and Most Awesome Teacher Ever!!! We so appreciate you making time for us here in the Challenge!

TreyTheTroll: hehe keep groveling, dolphin boy.

interviewswithlarry: This is Larry. I tried calling Phileas back but he won't pick up?

Alexio: No worries! I just sent him a peace offering via drone.

TreyTheTroll: you mean pizza offering hehehe

Alexio: Hey Trey! Just to be clear, we are totally all about body acceptance here on the Challenge. Since you're joining us, I'm sure you are too!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]