Writing funny mysteries (and more!) for you.

Bill Alive
Bill Alive
Writer. Thinker. Goofball.
Apr 16, 2021 31 min read

Free Read Friday! 🎁 📕 🎉 An Alexio Sampler

If you're reading this, you should get this new comedy while it's on sale. But in case you need a final nudge…

By now, you've probably read multiple samples from my new parody.

And right now, you can get this ENTIRE BOOK for only $1.99.

Rich, Skinny, and Super Spiritual!

An Internet gazillionaire hides a desperate secret.
Also, his dolphin's missing.
And his only hope (and yours) is a zany crew of oddball bloggers.

Get It Now!

So really, getting a copy and settling in is probably a better use of your time.

BUT… in case you still remain undecided… for this week's free read, I've put together ALL the samples I shared over the past several months. In case you missed anything.

Important: these sample chapters are an eclectic collection, from all over the book. While they are arranged in order, there are MANY omitted chapters in between. For instance, only if you get the full book will you learn the fate of Sparkle Vane…

Enjoy!

YOUR FREE READ BEGINS NOW.

INTRODUCTION: Can You Transform Your ENTIRE LIFE in just 24 hours? HECK yes!

/images/free-read/Alexio_Head_Shot_250x2.png

HEY, YOU'RE AWESOME!

And I'm Alexio Fairfax, Internet gazillionaire! Also marketing prodigy, health fanatic, super spiritual dude, yachting enthusiast, and bassoon maestro!

If I've done all this and I'm still in my twenties, imagine what YOU can do!

All you need are my 102 PATENTED SUCCESS SECRETS™, and I want to share them with YOU for FREE, right now, for this 24-HOUR CHALLENGE on my world-famous blog!

Get ready to get RICH, SKINNY, and SUPER SPIRITUAL!

He Used to Be Just Like You…

I used to be just like you—chained to a cubicle, living off deep-fried pigs' feet because I didn't know any better, and trying to fill the void by racking up credit card debt buying antique collectible rototillers I didn't really need. I was fat, I was broke, and I hadn't practiced my bassoon in months.

Then EVERYTHING CHANGED.

And I want to tell you how!

During this challenge, you'll get a new, in-depth post, every hour, that spills one of my Alexio-guaranteed 102 PATENTED SUCCESS SECRETS™.

Did I mention they'll be FREE?

FREE???

Yes, free! I've been truly blessed with crazy abundance, and all I ask is that you pay it forward and share these secrets with everyone you love, or work with, or chat with at a movie premiere, or invite on your yacht—everyone!

And make sure we connect on Facebook, Twitter, Tribesy, and all those other cool icons at the top of the page! Sign up for my emails! I want to meet you! That personal connection is vital.

Especially because, to be totally honest, the Google and Facebook people have made some kind of change to their algorithms, and I am just not getting the free traffic I used to. Not good.

The other day, I woke up and checked my phone, and it was like WORST CASE SCENARIO, my posts were getting less likes than a new release from some indie bassoon soloist! (Trust me.) I went and stress-ran for like ten miles before I realized the beach was totally burning my feet off, and I hadn't even grabbed my shades. :(

But it's all good. So what if I used to get a bajillion likes on an inspirational selfie with a motivational quote and my adorable pet dolphin? Last week is last week. And I Live In the Now (SUCCESS SECRET™ #17).

Plus… I have a plan.

Alexio's Secret Plan…

"But Alexio!" you might say. "If the Internet hordes like me aren't clicking your posts anymore, isn't your income cratering? No ad revenue? No affiliate sales? How are you going to give me all your fantastic SUCCESS SECRETS™ for FREE when you've had to start shoveling money at the social media giants to buy traffic? People used to find you for free, but I only found you myself by clicking on some Facebook ad you had to buy. Frankly, I'm worried, bro! Is this sustainable?"

To which I say, WOW.

You are awesome. Thank you. Your support means so much.

And the spectacular news is, it's all good! I totally have that plan.

Alexio's Secret Plan… Revealed!

As soon as the challenge ends, I'll package all these posts into a bestselling book. I've already had a sweet cover made, and it's all set up for preorder and everything. So, in a sense, you'll not only be transforming your life and manifesting your wildest dreams, you'll also be reading the next self-help blockbuster while it's being written. How cool is that?

So with a blowout book launch and an avalanche of sales, I should totally be fine, financially. The Gazillionaire Lifestyle isn't free, haha, and even the minimum payments can be eye-watering (wince!), but no worries! That's why you should Actually Have An Emergency Fund (SUCCESS SECRET™ #96), which I am absolutely going to do this time.

And speaking of time, let's kick off your 24 hours!!

24 Hours? Are You Sure, Alexio? How Can I Manifest My Wildest Dreams Literally OVERNIGHT?

Well, actually, I don't mean 24 hours straight. You'd have to stay up all night. That sounds miserable!

Oh.

Yeah, no. We're only going to do eight hours every day.

So, This Will Actually Take Three Days?

Yes! I've found that three days are much more doable. Plus, you can take bathroom breaks.

But Three Whole Days Will Take SO LONG!!

I know, right? But trust me, slow and steady is the shortest path to lasting results.

Besides, breaking it up into three days lets us give each day a separate focus. So many self-help books out there take an entire book to solve one problem, like starting your first blog or having your first kid or whatever.

But not only does that waste paper, it's not holistic. Instead, we're going to focus on the three traditional pillars of an abundant life: Body, Money, and Spirit.

Also known as: HEALTH, WEALTH, and WISDOM. (I love that.)

The SECRETS You'll UNLOCK On EACH DAY Of This Challenge!

  • On Day 1, you'll unlock the secrets of how to get SKINNY! I know "Rich" comes first in the blog title, but what's the point of having millions if you don't have to buy a svelte new wardrobe? Right? First things first! Plus, you'll need to be ready to take killer selfies for…

  • Day 2, when you'll get RICH! Okay, full disclosure, you might not make your first million that day—but what you will get is priceless: my surefire blueprint to Internet gazillions, in bite-size bloggy bits. Or maybe salty blog chunks? Why does this sound gross?

  • Anyway, once you've got a fantastic bod and a bank account the size of Rhode Island, is that really enough for True Happiness? No way! On Day 3, you'll get SUPER SPIRITUAL! And the best part is, we'll Make It Super Easy (SUCCESS SECRET™ #2). Why should you have to work to find your bliss?

But What If I Finish ALL THREE DAYS And My Life's NOT Transmogrified?

No worries! If you read this all through, and do all the exercises, and you don't get the results you want instantly, it might just mean you're not a "book learner".

Not a problem! If you really want to supercharge your transformation, I've got a very special surprise waiting for you at the end.

SURPRISE? What surprise?

Oh, you'll see…

But first, I've got to write all this! Haha, no seriously, I'd better get cracking. Truth be told, it's been awhile since I did anything long form. These days I'm more of a tweet / hashtag kind of guy. Short and sweet. Likes. Impact. I wish I could just make my tweets into a book.

Just kidding! I can do this! I'm a content machine, strategically seated in solitude out on my glorious yacht, soaking in the sun and watching my dolphin play. What could go wrong?

I'll answer that: nothing. There really is a special peace and quiet that comes with having your own private bay. I truly recommend this for all writers. Whatever your genre.

What If I'm Not A Writer?

Oh, you will be. Just wait for Day Two…

Anyway, see you tomorrow! With DAY ONE! Eight straight posts of fat-burning fantasy!

Wow… I'm going to write eight posts… in one day…

You know, I might occasionally need a little help. I'm not saying it will happen, but if it does, I'll totally Share the Love (SUCCESS SECRET™ #48) and get one of my amazing power blogger buddies to guest post for one of the hours. Two at the most.

If (if!) I do need a guest post, I promise I'll at least Pump Up the Title (SUCCESS SECRET™ #8) to better showcase their genius content.

(Newbie writers are super cute, but they can't title clickbait to save their lives. They're like, "My Article About Losing Weight" or "7 Things To Read About" or "Click This Or My Mom Dies"… actually, that one could work…)

Anyway, that's all a total backup plan. This challenge is about me, YOU, and how my 102 PATENTED SUCCESS SECRETS™ can make you EVERYTHING you could ever dream! For FREE! Just keep reading!

And stay awesome!!!


Alexio Fairfax

On board the Abundance


COMMENTS

TreyTheTroll: no way you have a pet dolphin. that is so illegal.

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! Thanks for the feedback! :) No worries, my lawyers are crazy expensive, haha. It's all good. ;) And Synergy has the BEST LIFE EVER, that is a HUGE priority for me. In fact, she has her own private bay!!

TreyTheTroll: you named your dolphin "synergy"?

Alexio: Anyway thanks for joining our new community! What's your passion? Are you hoping to get rich? Skinny? Super spiritual? Or ALL THREE???

TreyTheTroll: um. i'm a troll

Alexio: Not literally! :)

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

ALEXIO TWEET UPDATE: #GuestPostJustThisOnce

Hey, you're awesome! Alexio here. Welcome to Day 1!! I wouldn't normally paste a bunch of tweets into a blog post, but I already wrote them and I'm late already and here you go! Awesome!

@alexio_fairfax: Hey, you're awesome! And I am so PUMPED to LAUNCH this 3-day / 24-hour challenge sharing all my #SUCCESSSECRETS!! Except I forgot and…

@alexio_fairfax: … didn't set my alarm :( #overslept #TooManyMargaritas #NoMoreLateNightBingeTV #DarnYouBritishBakeoff…

@alexio_fairfax: … no worries though, we can kick this off with a #GuestPostJustThisOnce, from rising NO-DIET DIVA Sparkle Vane!

@alexio_fairfax: See u in Hour 2 with my 1st #SUCCESSSECRETTM! #WeightLossThursday!

8 CRAZY Tricks to LOSE WEIGHT Without Diets, Exercise, or Gross Protein Shakes!

Guest post by Sparkle Vane

Oh my gosh, I can't believe I'm guest posting here on Alexio's new blog challenge!! I am so excited to share these 8 crazy tricks for losing weight without diet, exercise, or gross protein shakes!

Because let me tell you, as a professional Weight Loss Counselor, I spend all day on the phone with people who hate those shakes.

Don't get me wrong, I love working at RadiantShakes! Everyone is so passionate.

But that means they totally believe that millions of people are so ready to beat the bulge that they'll trade in fudge banana splits for a "Mango Monday" shake.

Sorry, honey. Not if it tastes like blueberry oatmeal you scooped out of a sandbox. I hear it every day.

Lose Weight the EASY Way!

That's why I'm starting this blog! I mean, I'm writing this guest post for Alexio and then I'm going to start a blog.

If diets and exercise worked, we'd be a nation of marathon-running, shake-slurping salad addicts. Which we clearly are not.

The world needs a weight loss plan that takes no effort at all! And that's what I'm going to figure out!

Weight Loss Crazy Trick 1: Lose Your Shoes

Here's my first crazy weight loss trick that you won't hear anywhere else.

WOW! Did I just type that? I can't believe this is going to be a real post on Alexio's blog!! I can hardly sit still to type!!! I keep imagining my mom and my aunts and even my jerk cousin reading this blog and losing all this weight and us hugging and crying…

And the sun is gorgeous this morning! And my hair is super super poofy, like the Poof-O-Meter's ratcheted up from "Red-Headed Dolly Parton" to "Strawberry Mushroom Cloud"! It's taller than I am! WOW! If I were any more excited, I'd explode! WOW WOW WOW!

Wait, is that seriously what time it is? I have to email this to Alexio in like ten minutes. Shoot.

Weight Loss Crazy Trick 1: Lose Your Shoes (Cont'd)

So this first trick actually comes in two parts. This is the first part, which I'll put first, and it's really important, especially if you're into steel-toed high heels. Or, as we call them in the weight-loss biz, "steelettos". I hate those things.

Yes, technically, people take their shoes off before they hit the scale. But all the rest of the time, you feel heavy, don't you?

Especially with steelettos.

Especially when your so-called "boyfriend" drops steel-toed hints that you would look "fabulous" in them, but only if they're a size too small (seriously), and then you buy them, and then he asks to "borrow" them for a "friend" who "needs" them for a "wedding", and then he butt dials you while he's out at "guys night" and you hear he's watching While You Were Sleeping and pretending to laugh at all the "jokes" with some chick who keeps pausing the movie to say, "They're perfect, Darryl! Let me just see them in the mirror one more time!"

And I used to love that freaking movie. I think that's the hardest part.

To Be Continued More…

Oh gosh, this is due, like, now. Blogging is kind of tougher than I thought.

Shoot, I hope Alexio needs another guest post! I've got 7 more crazy tricks to do! 7 and a half, really, because I didn't even finish the first one!

Please, Alexio?

Oh man, and I have to do a bio too!

Sparkle Vane is a professional Weight Loss Consultant for RadiantShakes and she loves candlelight dinners, long walks on the beach, and reading poetry out loud except it has to make sense. All the dating sites she registers at already have way too many Sparkle Vanes, darnit, but she's the only one whose profile pic has amazing red curly hair, nail polish like fresh limes, and animated sequins.

COMMENTS

TreyTheTroll: hey @alexio_fairfax, did you seriously tweet #weightlossthursday? the hashtag is #weightlosswednesday, you idiot

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! That does have more of a ring to it, doesn't it? We'll have to have Sparkle back next Wednesday. :)

Sparkle Vane: Really??? Thank you thank you thank you! I've already thought of two more weight loss tricks!

Alexio: you have? send them ASAP, honestly. that would be great.

Sparkle Vane: Will do!!!!!!

Alexio: fantastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

The WISDOM of Tricycles (A Poem To Help You Lose Stress and Weight!)

Guest Photo-Poem by Kengsley Beaumarchais

 

A man looks out,

    and he thinks

 

kb_tricycle_a.jpg

 

the world is so

             vast

 

kb_tricycle_b_sophia.jpg

 

             and I could really use

a hamburger

 

kb_tricycle_c.jpg

 

but the hamburgers are

             all

             so

             small

 

kb_tricycle_d_peter.jpg

 

am I just

a                     trapped              tricycle?

 

kb_tricycle_e.jpg

 

     {defiance}.

 

Kengsley Beaumarchais, photojournalist-poet, presently divides his time between Manhattan, London, and an insufficiency of cats.

COMMENTS

Kengsley Beaumarchais: I must say, I preferred my title: "Citrus Malfeasance".

Alexio: Hey KB! You’re awesome! I totally like your title too, I just thought people might click and then expect oranges or something. Although oranges are good for weight loss. Also the small hamburgers totally worked.

Kengsley Beaumarchais: [comment deleted by moderator]

ALEXIO TWEET UPDATE: #SynergySniffles

@alexio_fairfax: Hey, you're awesome! Was SO CLOSE to writing first #SUCCESSSECRET post this hour BUT bad news…

@alexio_fairfax: … Synergy (pet dolphin) is sick!! :( of course it's not serious I hope. but she is sniffling, maybe it was just my cologne…

@alexio_fairfax: … we took that swim and she's very picky about scents #StrongOpinions #NeverSettle #AllergicToMediocre …

@alexio_fairfax: … anyway I'm calling the vet…

@alexio_fairfax: … and YOU are getting the HOTTEST new tech blogger this week, "Techie" Terrence! Terrence may be an English major, but his 1st language is Geek!

@alexio_fairfax: … and he's showcasing a new gadget that will make you GLOW with health! #SunlightIsSlimming! #solarPOWER! #vitaminDrevolution!

This Solar-Powered Watch Could Extend Your Lifespan by DECADES!

Guest Post by "Techie" Terrence

Could you extend your lifespan by decades just by wearing a watch?

A new solar-powered watch from startup Zazzilaq promises to do just that, conferring godlike stamina from the gaze of Helios (the sun).

A Successful Startup Looks Like THIS

When I meet Zazzilaq founder Hans Hanson in his penthouse office, he's reclining in a bearskin executive chair beside an oaken, twenty-foot workstation that ends in a tiki bar. I sense right away that this titan among men has much to teach me in my own entrepreneurial journey. Gladly he takes his ease, like Odysseus at rest on the island of Calypso.

(Not that I could ever condone Odysseus' betrayal—I would never dally with a softly-braided nymph and forget my wise Penelope.)

"Your wise who?" Hanson queries. "Dude, you've got to take notes without muttering."

Hanson swivels away from the eight widescreen monitors and expertly opens a white chocolate bar with one hand. He jiggles the wrist of his other hand, jostling down his suede sweatshirt sleeve to reveal … The Watch.

The Killer Feature That Changes EVERYTHING

To the untrained eye, the Zazzilaq D-Time 3007 might look like a low-end sports watch with a logo resembling a thick "D", superimposed on a teapot.

But although solar power has long been used for calculators, bizarre cars, and, in fact, watches, the Zazzilaq D-Time 3007 packs a feature that changes everything.

"All those other startup wannabes are trying to make the battery last as long as possible," Hanson chides. "Two weeks without a recharge. A month. What are we, vampire bats?"

He pauses to slurp his wine-dark diet cherry soda through a straw from a 3-liter bottle. The saccharine tang permeates the air with entrepreneurial energy.

"We need sunlight, yo," he continues. "We need D-time. Vitamin D."

In a brilliant, habit-forming twist, the Zazzilaq D-time 3007 needs to be charged in the sun every day. When the charge gets low, it's "D time" (tea time)—the device will shriek like a boiling kettle.

The Science Behind the Solar

By forcing you to take the watch out into the sunlight, the D-Time 3007 sneakily gets your body the exposure it needs to get Vitamin D. And as scientists will tell you, if the human body doesn't get enough Vitamin D, bad things happen.

To confirm this scientific fact, I consult Dr. Channa Sahir, an eminent and lovely-haired scientist at Harvard.

"Dude?" Hanson interjects. "You're calling someone? During an interview?"

"Vitamin D is important," confirms Dr. Channa Sahir, in a slight Indian accent that many would find deeply attractive. "But don't they also put Vitamin D in milk? I am always happy to help a former student, Terrence, but I am a social scientist. Not a biologist."

"A social scientist studies behavior," continues Dr. Channa Sahir, and I can imagine the toss of her lustrous ebony bangs. "For instance, my current study measures which will improve productivity more: checking social media every forty-seven seconds, or being locked in a closet for seven hours with only a legal pad and a pencil."

"Dude!" Hanson expostulates, cruelly interrupting my fleeting reunion with my beloved teacher. "My time is worth like six hundred dollars a minute! You can call your girlfriend whenever."

I hang up and let Dr. Channa Sahir return to her important work, praying she didn't hear the entrepreneurial commentary. Bereft of her nurturing presence, everything in the office somehow seems smaller, even Hanson's gigantic globe on its mahogany base.

One can't help but wonder—will this new watch really help busy techs get the sunlight they need from the rosy-fingered Dawn?

Get Yourself a "Charging Tan"

"Absolutely," Hanson affirms. "The sunlight part, not whatever you said about fingers. Check out this tan!" He yanks the sweatshirt sleeve even further down his not-quite-pale arm, revealing a sharp tan line about 3 inches below the watchband.

He nods at a nearby deeply-welled window. "I scoot over there with my laptop to solar charge this baby every day. That's the power of D-Time. Got myself a sweet charging tan."

Charging tans, it appears, are sweeping the tech community. "You can tell a D-charger when you shake hands," Hanson gloats. "Your sleeves go up, and you both kind of look, and it's like, oh yeah. No rickets here."

Others appreciate the concept, but question the execution.

As one of my housemates told me yesterday, "I bought that Zazzilaq watch, and my girlfriend's like, it cost how much? Couldn't you just get a 99-cent app?"

"Tell your housemate to get a real girlfriend," Hanson snaps. "And since you can't stop muttering to yourself, go interview a wall! Get lost!"

But I already know my next tech topic. And I'll need the help of a laughter-loving scientist.

"Techie" Terrence covers gadgets, gizmos, and his ears if you mention he majored in English.

COMMENTS

TreyTheTroll: @alexio_fairfax please don't tell me you're going to start featuring this twerp. "laughter-loving"??

"Techie" Terrence: N.B. "laughter-loving" is an epithet that Homer gave to Aphrodite, the goddess of love, and perhaps to all great women throughout history with bold, joyous laughs that will echo forever in the hearts of their students.

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

AMAZING, Brutally Honest, Soul-Searching REVIEWS of the Zazzilaq D-Time Solar-Powered Watch!

FurtiveShopper:

stars3.png

Ordered this solar-powered watch because that interview by "Techie" Terrence sounded like it would help me get out in the sun more because you have to solar charge the thing every single day. Did not know that if the solar charge is too low, it shrieks like a tea kettle. Have hung watch outside office window so will always be in sun. Would give 1 star, but extra 2 stars because watch now reflects sun glare into co-worker's eyes. Hilarious. :P

VAMPIREBAT: (TOP 100 Reviewer)

stars5.png

5 STARS!!! I AM ALWAYS LOSING MY WATCHES, AND THIS ONE SCREAMS EVERY DAY SO I ALWAYS FIND IT!! GETTING A SECOND ONE FOR A DOG COLLAR!

MagentaMiss:

stars1.png

The watch works as described, BUT it is not available in alternating stripes of magenta and pea green. Seriously?!? Magenta and pea green is my jam.

Comment by VAMPIREBAT:

THAT JAM SOUNDS DISGUSTING!

Gussie1955:

stars5.png

Amazing!!! I just opened the package, but it is DEFINITELY a watch!!! Will it work out over the long haul? Only "time will tell". ;) ;) ;) I will update this review in six months if I remember!!!

UPDATE AFTER 15 MINUTES: It's working great!

UPDATE AFTER 2 HOURS: Time is telling!

UPDATE AFTER 6 MONTHS: (It's only been 3 hours actually, but I wrote that here to trigger my memory for later! Will replace this with my review in six months!!!)

AuthorHuxfordQHollister:

stars5.png

A most excellent watch. As I state in my Amazon bestseller memoir, Watercooler Men: Glory Stories of an IRS Data Transcriber, "If we forgot our watch in the morning, we might be late to the office, and that would really rattle Old 'Whiteout' Wilson's chain."

This is a watch that would have told us "Watercooler Men" what time it was.

—Huxford Q. Hollister

Author, Watercooler Men: Glory Stories of an IRS Data Transcriber

(#1 Amazon Bestseller in Biographies & Memoirs > Memoirs > U. S. Government> IRS > Data Transcribers > Watercoolers > Authors With a "Q")

CharlieMontaigne:

stars2.png

I am a bit "pasty", so I was excited for this watch to help me get a natural tan, which is a big "plus" with the ladies.

What I did not realize was that when I stand on my front porch, I can smell my neighbor's sauerkraut.

I live in a townhouse, so my "neighbor" is extremely close, right next door, and she leaves all her windows "open" and bakes sauerkraut in a "crock pot" all day, every day. No offense to anyone of "German" heritage, but I can't stand there for more than eighty-six seconds without my stomach "clenching" and my eyes watering from the stench of composting cabbage.

So there I am "standing" there with two watches, my old one and this new one, like some crazy person, and just then Sherrie drives up with my mail, and I've been trying to ask Sherrie out since tenth grade, and she's like, "Why do you have two watches? Charlie? Are you okay? You look like you're crying!" and I'm like, gagging, trying to talk, and she's like, "Are you holding two watches and weeping over the intrinsic duality of Time? The unbearable burden of the Past and Future forever impinging on the fragile yet mysteriously eternal Now? Oh my gosh, that is so sweet!" and I finally stop coughing long enough to say, "No, it's just this freaking sauerkraut," and she's like, "Oh. I happen to love sauerkraut, Charlie," and she drives away.

So I hate this "watch".

But 2 stars because the "shipping" was quite fast.

COMMENTS

TreyTheTroll: @alexio_fairfax you seriously copy-pasted in reviews as a "guest post"?? how is this a self-help challenge???

Alexio: Hey Trey, you're awesome! I appreciate your feedback, but sometimes, figuring out the challenge is the challenge! It's a win-win!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

This Week: Get Rich Slowly! (Or Never!) With Phileas Blogg…

I assume you've met Alexio Fairfax, the Internet gazillionaire who promises to change your whole life within 24 hours… assuming he gets his new book written in time…

But Alexio's not the only get-rich-quick wealth-creating guru on the Internet. In today's selection, Alexio posts a "guest chapter" from a fellow rich guru, Phileas Blogg.

Phileas Blogg has his own unique approach to creating abundance. And in this guest chapter, you'll start to learn his secrets.

(Wait, is this actually a guest chapter? Maybe Alexio just signed up for Blogg's email newsletter…)

YOUR FREE READ BEGINS NOW.

You Just GUARANTEED Your SUCCESS as a Full-Time Blogger!

Guest Post by Phileas Blogg

Hi Alexio!

Call me Phileas—short for Power Blogger-Blogger Phileas Blogg! Are you ready to make a full-time income by blogging about bloggers who blog about blogging?

Guess what? You don't even need to answer that—I know you're ready. Because you just took the major step of typing your email into a box to subscribe to my free email newsletter. Yes, you did.

That shows commitment, Alexio. That shows willingness to take a risk. That shows a vision for the future.

But you (Alexio) and I (Phileas) both know that your journey is only beginning. It's not enough to just subscribe to some email newsletter. Oh no.

You're going to have to read these emails, or at least skim them.

You're going to have to buy my books, maybe even take my courses. Now you might be thinking, "But Phileas, how will I, Alexio, know when you're launching a new ebook? Or a four-figure online webinar, with member-only videos and possibly even a ten-minute live chat with you, Power Blogger-Blogger Phileas Blogg?" Don't you worry, Alexio. Just read these emails. You'll know.

But just taking in all this exclusive info won't be enough, Alexio. Most of all—and this is crucial—you're going to need to share my products with your social network. Because nothing beats word-of-mouth marketing, Alexio. Nothing.

So until next time…

Keep blogging! About bloggers! Who blog about blogging!

Phileas Blogg

Power Blogger-Blogger

P.S. Watch for my next email, in which you'll get your first blogging about blogging assignment to start bulking up your blogging biceps! No pressure, though—this isn't school! In fact, Alexio, I don't actually know you exist. I want to, though! Reply to this email, and tell me all your deepest hopes and fears! The longer the better! Replies like yours will really help keep my newsletters out of your spam folder!

COMMENTS

TreyTheTroll: r u 4 real? u posted some OTHER dudes automated email as a GUEST POST?!?

TreyTheTroll: hey @alexio_fairfax, you there?

TreyTheTroll: weird, he hasn't tweeted since yesterday either. whoa… wonder what happened with that giant incinerator? hehehehehe

YOUR FREE READ JUST ENDED.

One Life-Changing Tip from Weight Loss Superstar, Phileas Blogg!

Guest interview by Larry

Hello, my name is Larry. I am very excited to be writing this guest post on Alexio's amazing blog challenge.

It is amazing to think that when I find my soulmate and have children, and they find their soulmates and they have children, then those will be my grandchildren, and I will tell my grandchildren, "I wrote a guest post on the 24-Hour Challenge with Alexio Fairfax."

Legacy.

My blog is http://interviewswithlarry.free-sites-with-tons-of-ads.com. Please read my blog.

On my blog, I interview life-changing people and get ONE LIFE-CHANGING TIP.

Alexio is super life-changing and rich, and he suggested that I interview his power blogger friend who is also rich. His friend's name is Phileas Blogg.

I think I might have heard of this Blogg guy but I'm not sure. I might be mixing him up with this other guy who plays tennis.

Here is the interview. I hope we get one life-changing tip.


PHILEAS BLOGG: Hello? Who's this? Alexio? Is this your new number?

LARRY: Hi, my name is Larry.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Larry?

LARRY: Yes.

PHILEAS BLOGG: I am so sorry, Larry, but I can't recall how we met. I've been to so many conferences lately—

LARRY: We didn't.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Oh. Well, I hate to cut this short, but I'm expecting a call from an old student. He just texted he has some kind of emergency—

LARRY: That was Alexio Fairfax. He wants me to interview you. For his blog challenge.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Oh. Ah. I had assumed I'd be talking to Alexio.

LARRY: Don't worry. This will still go on his blog and get lots of traffic. Way more than mine or yours.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Well, actually, I don't know if you're familiar with my work, Larry—

LARRY: Nope.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Ha, well, it sounds like you might be just starting out. Among A-list power bloggers, I'm kind of a big deal—

LARRY: I searched on you, but all that came up were a bunch of selfies that Alexio took with you and Synergy.

PHILEAS BLOGG: He's done very well for himself with that dolphin.

LARRY: Yes, and he said I should talk to you to get my ONE LIFE-CHANGING TIP.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Oh, really? Excellent. Alexio was my star student, you know. Anything I can do to support an alumnus Blogghead.

LARRY: Yes, he said, ask Phileas how he lost all that weight.

PHILEAS BLOGG: What?

LARRY: I guess you used to be a lot heavier? I don't know how old the photo on your "About" page is, you still look pretty beefy—

PHILEAS BLOGG: I don't teach people how to lose weight! I'm an expert on blogging!

LARRY: But this is Day 1 of the Challenge. It's all about losing weight, because fat people can't be happy.

PHILEAS BLOGG: Excuse me?

LARRY: Huh. Did you burp? I didn't even hear it.

PHILEAS BLOGG: This interview is over.

LARRY: But I need your one life-changing tip!

PHILEAS BLOGG: You want a tip? You tell Alexio to be careful who he roasts while he's riding high. People have more allies than you think.

LARRY: What does that have to do with not being fat?

LARRY: Hello?

LARRY: He hung up. Shoot.


Larry's blog is http://interviewswithlarry.free-sites-with-tons-of-ads.com and he interviews successful people to get ONE LIFE-CHANGING TIP and please read my blog.

COMMENTS

Alexio: Hey! Just want to add my own shout-out to Phileas here, Influencer Extraordinaire and Most Awesome Teacher Ever!!! We so appreciate you making time for us here in the Challenge!

TreyTheTroll: hehe keep groveling, dolphin boy.

interviewswithlarry: This is Larry. I tried calling Phileas back but he won't pick up?

Alexio: No worries! I just sent him a peace offering via drone.

TreyTheTroll: you mean pizza offering hehehe

Alexio: Hey Trey! Just to be clear, we are totally all about body acceptance here on the Challenge. Since you're joining us, I'm sure you are too!

TreyTheTroll: [comment deleted by moderator]

The "Secret" to Attracting the Dolphin You Deserve!

Alexio: Hey, you're awesome! Can you believe it's Day 3 already? I'm so proud of you! Over the last two days, you've made incredible progress, getting all the tools you need to both reach a healthy, stunning weight and also launch your own blog-based empire of service! Wow!

True, you might not have fully achieved one or both of these goals just yet. But that's okay! You're well on your way. Plus, we've still got a whole last day!

Now, you might be thinking, "Alexio, I've already learned so much! What more could I possibly need to manifest my Most Spectacular Self?"

Let me tell you a little "secret"…

The key to living your wildest dreams… experiencing truly nurturing relationships… and finding your inner dolphin… is finally revealed:

The Law of Contractions.

Deborah: Um, I haven't heard of that particular "law". Not that I'm an expert on grammar. Or pregnancy.

Alexio: What'd I say? "contractions"? oh geez.

Deborah: Also, I'm not sure about "finding your inner dolphin".

Alexio: what, where is that? urgh. let me try again.

… and finding your inner child… is finally revealed:

The Law of Attraction.

Deborah: Oh. That.

Alexio: Yes!! Life doesn't happen to you! You happen to life! Everything that happens to you, everything, happens because you attracted it! With your feelings!

Want more love? Feel more loving! Want more money? Feel more rich! Want more health? Feel more healthy!

Deborah: Want more height? Feel more tall!

Alexio: no, I wouldn't use that one.

Deborah: Me neither.

Alexio: then why'd you suggest it?

Deborah: Never mind.

Alexio: i'm confused.

debbie? I need feedback!!

Deborah: Okay. Do you have any concrete examples of how you personally have attracted something remarkable into your life?

Alexio: of course!!! I mean just last night I was stuck in pennsylvania, hundreds of miles from my yacht and my private bay, with my credit cards maxed out and my dolphin gone! i've never felt so panicked in my life!!

Deborah: Okay. What did that attract?

Alexio: you!

Deborah: Excuse me? I was only checking in with you on this launch! That we are supposedly doing tonight!

Alexio: sure, but look at me now! back home on my yacht! ready to find my lost beloved pet!

Deborah: That's because you begged me to buy you a plane ticket!

Alexio: trust the Universe.

Deborah: And I only gave you that loan because you were a basketcase, and our timeline here is so dire. I need eight more posts out of you today, not to mention our actual offer for the product we're launching, which incidentally you still haven't told me.

Alexio: got to find synergy first

Deborah: What? She escaped into the ocean. She could be hundreds of miles away!

Alexio: she's not. I feel it.

Deborah: How do you know? I thought she never ran away before.

Alexio: they never repossessed the fence before.

Deborah: Alexio, please. You've spent more on these ads in two days than I make in a year. Please just focus on this launch for this one last day.

Alexio: she's sick. she needs me.

Deborah: But you have to launch tonight! We need the offer!

Alexio: without SYNERGY we CANT DO the offer!!!

debbie?

debbie, you there?

Deborah: Please tell me this entire launch does not depend on recapturing an escaped dolphin in the next eight hours.

Alexio: nope. more like seven hours.

speaking of which, i'd better post this.

crud, who am I going to find at the last minute to write super spiritual posts, super fast?? urgh.

anyway, stay calm and think dolphin thoughts.

Deborah: That is not going to help!

Alexio: good point, you'd better not. just me. if both of us are thinking dolphin thoughts, we'll attract her two ways at once.

Deborah: Wait, you're not even going to go out in your yacht and look for her?

Alexio?

Alexio!!

Alexio: shush

The WISDOM of Grass (A Poem That Has Something To Do With the Law of Attraction, I'm Pretty Sure!)

Guest Photo-Poem by Kengsley Beaumarchais


 

A woman looks out,

    and she thinks

 

kb_grass01.jpg



 

the world is so

             gorgeous

 

kb_grass02.jpg



 

             but I have to mow

    the lawn

 

kb_grass03.jpg



 

  and there are so

        many

        rocks

 

kb_grass04.jpg



 

maybe the dogs

will do it

again

 

kb_grass05.jpg



 

        nice work, boys

 

kb_grass06.jpg

 

     {persistence}

 



Kengsley Beaumarchais, photojournalist-poet, presently divides his time between Dubai, Newark, and an insufficiency of cats.

THUS ENDS YOUR FREE READ.

Thank you for enjoying this FREE READ

Will Alexio find his beloved dolphin in time?

Will Phileas Blogg exact his grim revenge?

Will you spend longer agonizing over whether to just spend the two dollars and start enjoying the whole book than it would take you to EARN two dollars?

There's only way to find out…

Rich, Skinny, and Super Spiritual!

An Internet gazillionaire hides a desperate secret.
Also, his dolphin's missing.
And his only hope (and yours) is a zany crew of oddball bloggers.

Get It Now!

See you next Friday! Happy reading!

[Bill Alive]

Bill Alive