Is there a hobo in your attic?
Is your 401(k) plan worth less than it was five minutes ago?
Are any of your friends mocking you right now?
If you arenât sure of the answers to basic questions like these, you may be a victim of âdetail neglect,â a common medical condition that afflicts millions of Americans and can lead to higher loan interest rates, contentment, and/or death.
A Hidden KillerâŚ
âAll too often, weâre so busy enjoying nature, pursuing fulfilling hobbies, and spending time with our spouses and children that we forget the myriad of pressing details that really should have first claim on our attention,â says Dr. Wilhelm Iglesias, head of the Triple Check Research Group at the University of Quibbleton, Virginia. âI blame the culture.â
However, thanks to continued funding from several safety awareness groups, such as Tornado Chasers United for a Risk-Free America, Iglesias and his team of expert scientists have battled âdetail neglectâ since Tuesday, March 3, 1987, at 10:02 am.
For years they have scrutinized frequently ignored details, determining which ones should be considered critical to the safe navigation of an average day.
âŚBut a Cure May Be In Sight
Now, after decades of research, a cure for âdetail neglectâ may finally be in sight: the Checklistâ˘.
âYou wouldnât think of dating a girl until youâd surreptitiously gotten her fingerprint and seen if she had a criminal record, would you?â chuckles Iglesias, glancing around his plush office and over my shoulder. âSimilarly, itâs sheer recklessness to go through the day without systematically evaluating potential threats.â
He pauses, gets a better grip on the broadsword heâs sharpening at a large whetstone embedded in his desk, and smiles broadly.
âSafety, like freedom, must be won and re-won. If youâre not sure, check. Check again. Check a third time. Thatâs the Checklist⢠concept.â
Although the complete Checklist⢠is still in revision, Iglesias advises that you âget more detail in your lifeâ right away by taking a few minutes each day to make sure you can answer each of the following sample questions with confidence:
Is there a hobo in your:
- attic?
- Freezer?
- Hope chest?
- Purse?
Has anyone in your social circle given you a derogatory nickname?
âNicknames must be nipped in the bud,â says Dr. âPudgyâ Wilson, expert on Derogatory Nomenclature.
âOne wry comment can label you for life. With the frenetic pace of modern communications, youâve got to hustle to stay on top of things. A simple series of two-minute calls to everyone you know, two or three times a day, is a small investment to make to avoid a lifetime of embarrassment.â
Is your 401(k) plan worth less than it was five minutes ago?
âGet your money OUT!â says Iglesias. âYou want to lose your retirement savings? Put your money into something sensible, like a camouflaged shoebox.â
Is any food anywhere in your home going bad?
âPrepackaged foods like TV dinners have so many preservatives that they cannot rot; they will probably outlast this country,â insists Iglesias. âTheyâre recommended.â
âUnfortunately,â he continues, âmany of us indulge what I call our âagrarian toothâ with such dainties as fresh fruits and vegetables, eggs, milk, meat that is still recognizably from an animal, and water. Many of these foods, though certainly chic, can actually spoil.â Iglesias shudders. âI avoid them entirely.
âIf you insist on eating perishables, remember: one bad apple can host a germ that, if it gets in and grows and you donât notice it and you eat the apple and the germ enters your body and it overcomes your immune system and you donât go to the doctor and you donât take the right medicines and it mushrooms into a fatal disease, can kill you.
âIs that a chance you want to take?â
Are your clothes out of style?
âIt can happen so quickly,â warns Dr. Judy Trudy, Fashion Anthropologist. âTake advantage of the wireless Internet; check each new purchase against a reputable fashion website before you leave the store. Imagine arriving at the office sporting an outfit thatâs been out since yesterday afternoon!â
Is your name out of style?
âThis oneâs tricky,â admits Trudy. âSorry.â
Who are the new faces on Americaâs Most Wanted and do you look like any of them?
âKeep in mind that if thereâs even a slight resemblance,â says Iglesias, âa neighbor with poor eyesight could land you in jail.â
The remedy?
âA purple wig,â suggests Iglesias. âHow many criminals wear purple wigs? My grandmother wore a purple wig, and she was never in jail one day of her life. Of course, she spoke fluent French.â
Do any of your magazine subscriptions need to be renewed?
âDonât count on the publication to remind you,â warns Iglesias. âRecent trends indicate that subscription departments are all too likely to adopt a âlive and let liveâ attitude and take your missed payment as an implied cancellation without so much as a dinnertime phone call.â
Are your shoes on the right feet?
âProbably seventy to eighty percent of all car accidents, faux pas while ballroom dancing, and poor investment choices stem directly, indirectly, or not at all from wearing the left shoe on the right foot and the right shoe on the left foot, which is the wrong way to wear your shoes,â explains Dr. Grant Hobble. Hobble is head of the Podiatric Prognostication Center in Reykjavik, Connecticut, and a long-time ally of the Triple Check Group.
âNaturally, accurate statistics are difficult to obtain; this is a branch of research that is admittedly still in its infancy. But I think we can all agree that wearing your shoes on the wrong feet is a dumb move. It certainly canât help anything, can it? Well?â
Is there a broken telephone pole, meteorite, or airborne vacuum cleaner salesman heading for your home?
âA quick glance out each window of the house every hour or so will suffice,â comments Iglesias. âYou donât want to get paranoid.â
Are you getting paranoid? Reflect.
âCheck each question at least three times a day,â insists Iglesias. âThatâs bare minimum. Bare. We recommend four or five. I can do six or seven complete Checkups⢠daily, especially if I skip lunch and hold off going to the bathroom as long as I can.
âAfter a couple months, this sample Checklist⢠will become second nature. Thatâs bad; it means youâre slipping. Call us.â Iglesias grins. âBy then, the complete Checklist⢠will be ready, and itâs much, much longer.â
AUTHOR DISCLAIMER: This fake âhealth articleâ is a satire. People, institutions, and âfactsâ and are all made up. Which you probably guessed. But I had to⌠check.
If you liked this, you might enjoy my funny mystery series. Just click on that gorgeous red coverâŚ